Van Holten’s Big Papa Pickle-In-A-Pouch

I for one, have always been pro-pickle. Sidelines at football games, you’re slurping down pickle juice like a Mexican harlot to keep the cramps away, at the same getting valuable nutrients to keep you going for 4 quarters. It is, in my opinion, the superior form of cucumber. The sour, acidic bite, the erotic crunch and the vaguely quirky joy of eating this very phallic vegetable. As a tween, I remember giggling at the text on the back of the Lay’s Dill Pickle Chips- “pregnant women love them.” Well they do- because they’re packed with electrolytes, which women do need. Because they’re people asshole. I know you’re reading this Alex Karp.

So I decided to try this Pickle-In-A-Pouch, a Von Holten product. There’s a variety to choose from, we may try more later, but to start off, I went with the classic Dill. I was impressed at the value of this pickle. If it was a meal, it would be very affordable. Around $3, give or take $0.50. You’re getting a whole pickle + the juice. And these are big pickles. You could do some unspeakable things with pickles of this size. But what is it like to consume such a massive pickle?

Honestly, it’s kind of a grind. It’s a little too much pickle. I got about 70% through and I was like “Damn, there’s a lot of pickle left to go. I really don’t know if I can consume any more pickle.” Frankly…I was in a pickle. But I made it through and by the end of it, I was extremely full and I also felt as if I had done something kind of heinous and crass. Which I had. Eating a whole pickle is degenerate activity. That being said, I had a lot of fun.

As far as pickles go, this is an excellent one. Top 5 pickles of all time. The Larry Bird of pickles. Despite being soaked in pickle juice, it’s still got that crunch that everyone loves in a pickle. Maybe the portion size is a little outlandish…but maybe that’s the point. If you love pickles, or just love an eating experience, this is one you won’t want to miss.